A Mindful Life

This is one of three pinwheels I stuck in a flower pot in our back patio. Claire loves to watch them spin, especially when sunlight causes them to reflect light into the house.

My energy seems to have returned, which makes me feel cheerier and optimistic. This shift occurred over the weekend when I got some time to myself.

A Guatemalan friend recommended some authors to me, so on Thursday I dove into Antigua and My Life Before, by Marcela Serrano. I finished yesterday completely satisfied with the encounter. I have not read much in recent months. In part this is because in recent years I turned to non-fiction more often, and I find I can’t sustain my attention on it now. Slipping into another reality via a good story is what I need. The next book is The Bejeweled Boy by Miguel Angel Asturias. My friend also encouraged me to try Gabriel Garcia Marquez again; I had tried to read One Hundred Years of Solitude several times but it did not engage me. She has suggested I try Love in the Time of Cholera, so this is on my list to borrow from my beautiful local library.

In addition to reading, I was able to go out shopping to use a gift card I’d won at a social event. It was at Lakeshore Learning, so it was still oriented toward my child, but I love to look at educational games and teaching supplies, and I had fun there. And I took a relaxing soak yesterday evening. These moments rejuvenated me.

I have another reason to feel happy as well. My parents have booked a plane flight to visit us in October! We are thrilled and excited they are making the long journey from Syracuse, especially because they are in their mid-70s and travel is not so easy for them (and many others) any more. They will get to meet their granddaughter in person! We have a busy season coming up; visitors are coming in August, September, and October, and then holiday season begins. Every day I pay attention — as often as I can — because so much happens, and Claire is changing so fast. I try to embrace and yet not cling.

Well first, it takes time and energy, which are increasingly scarce for me.

Second, and more importantly to me, it creates an often one-sided relationship with people. It puts people in a spectator role and removes incentive to connect directly with me, because they already know what’s up in my life.

That doesn’t provide the most fulfilling relationships for me.

I’m so exhausted that I have few words and less energy. I go to bed at 8:00 p.m., am unconscious immediately, then arise at 5:30 a.m. (or whenever Claire wakes), and feel exhausted all day. I think that the energy required to be a mother — the vigilance, the constant availability — just calls for more energy than a good night’s sleep can provide.

I have less to say, and less desire to share in the blog what little I do have to say. I may be evolving out of blogging. Or at least headed toward a hiatus.

In addition to riding the swing, pulling up grass, scrunching sand between our fingers, and generally trying to put all interesting items in the mouth:

And happy, happy news! Uncle TP is coming for a visit to meet my Little Eclaire in August! It’s funny, because he came out in August last year for a visit when I was huge and so ready to give birth and be done with pregnancy. A year? Already?! (I say that a lot on this blog, don’t I?)

For reasons I don’t want to go into (mostly because they’re boring), the past couple days have been rough for me. I am raw and short on energy and patience. At a stoplight, I had my right turn blinker on. It’s an option to turn right on red (unless there’s sign prohibiting it). I was about to turn when the driver behind me honked. So I didn’t. That’s the kind of mood I’m in — something mean within digs in its heels. She honked again, and I saw her gesticulating in the mirror. I waited until the light turned green and went, and waved at her as she roared past me all the distance of one block to turn left; she flipped me the middle finger through her sun roof. I know it’s not mature or honorable behavior. I don’t like it in myself. This all happened within a mile of my home as I returned home from a nice outing at the park with a friend. I know, I should have walked instead — except here there’s a risk we’d be run over by the same driver. Such is life in an overpopulated area. Grrrrr.

I got home to cook the salmon I bought yesterday to find it had turned bad. It smelled fishy, which is a sign of very old fish. The whole fridge smells funky now.

Claire is starting to arch her back and thrash and scream when something happens she doesn’t want, or when something she wants doesn’t happen. Toddlerhood tantrums already?

I got NO time to myself this past weekend (except for one nap, but I’d like some awake alone time), since we had family errands and housecleaning and some social commitments. I also have very little say over my schedule as far as when things happen (nothing is much in my control), even on weekends.

Something I started to knit I had to frog (”rip it” out) because I made a mistake and couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

What’s so very bothersome to me is the way incidents such as those in the first paragraph stay with me, and how a sour hatred toward humanity rises up in my throat when I’m feeling this raw.

Cranky, cranky, cranky. Will someone show me some love in the comments? If you need incentive, here’s one:

Aside from the failure of IndyMac Bancorp, a study that finds many coral species are threatened with extinction, and the tarnishing of a national legacy due to family infighting, that is.

Claire is ten months and three days old.

There’s a cute video on my Flickr account if you want to watch her personal triumph. What an exhilarating day!

The humidity is cloying right now, and already it’s 74 degrees. I am hunkered down, mentally geared for another 100+ degree day cooped up in this non-air conditioned house with the windows and drapes closed to retain last night’s cool air. It reminds me of the northern winters I grew up in.

Oh, we will go out to the park in the morning, briefly, and a friend invited us to enjoy her air-conditioning yesterday. We have a repeat invitation for that today. Of course, this requires driving on an ozone action day, which contributes to more pollution — ozone, smog, carbon dioxide, and smoke from fires.

And sweet Claire is more active than ever! Though her naps have been less deep the last few days, probably due to heat. So she gets fretful as well.

So, I’m not much in the mood to write. If you’ve written me an email recently (within the last couple weeks), I haven’t replied because I had company, and now I have little time when Claire is awake, and it’s just damn hot and I’m tired. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

Wherever you are, Reader, I hope you are comfortable.

Have ten months passed already? Claire arrived on this day in September, and what a ride it has been!

Claire now pulls up, cruises, and climbs stairs. I’ve less time than ever before to sit and answer email or write much during the day, because I now need to keep her curious little hands off stuff that formerly was out of reach. Not that we haven’t child-proofed, but books, Kleenex boxes, and other benign items I don’t want destroyed remain.

She has six teeth now — four upper and two lower. I think another lower couple are coming in from the looks of her gums. I have found, though, that the term “coming in” signifies a s-l-o-w process that can takes days or weeks.

Claire claps her hands. When I read How A Baby Grows, there is a page that says: These are the things a baby hears: songs, whisper, claps, cheers. Claire claps her hands during that sentence. She also claps her hands for If You’re Happy and You Know It and Patty-cake.

Claire recognizes butterflies, ladybugs, eyes and noses. Sometimes she will point to them when asked. She hugs her baby doll and teddy bear. She has some distinct sounds that I know mean something exclamatory, i.e., This is interesting! She also lately has been saying “Ca” when looking at or chasing Stella. (Poor Stella, who can’t even find safe haven upstairs anymore.) Of course, “Ca” is her sound for other small animals, such as dogs and other babies.

She does not consistently use the “all done” sign, but she definitely will use it when she is in the mood and when she is either: a) done eating or b) done eating a particular food but wants something else. She self-feeds Cheerios and (once) green peas, but has not mastered picking up bits of banana. She distinctly doesn’t like the texture of the 3rd stage foods that have chunks designed for learning to chew.

Music Together started again today, and I was fascinated to watch Claire respond to the music and the teacher. Now that she’s crawling, she happily wanders away from me to explore, and she doesn’t cry if I move away from her. She recognized the teacher and bounced on her bottom when she saw her.

Claire is entering a phase of greater opinion and strength. Sometimes I find it a challenge to change her diaper now, since she is wiry and capable of turning over. My little baby is less a baby now and becoming quite her own little person.

Here’s a peek at what she might see during the day.

In an attempt to break out of my safe little rut, I tried a new pattern. It’s not as though the stitch is difficult; it involves binding off and picking up stitches, but I’d never tried changing directions before. This is an accent scarf, and it’s intended to be worn to jazz up an outfit. It’s not designed for warmth (and considering it’s 102.6F right now, that sounds just right). I don’t know the recipient yet. I might use it as a gift. Or maybe someday I’ll try to sell what I knit at least to recoup the expense of the yarn. The skein was 130 yards and cost $15, which is on the pricey side for me. (Anybody want to buy a scarf? I should open an Etsy store.)

Aunt LR has left. It was a wonderful week. She and Claire enjoyed each other immensely, and I’m feeling sad at my sister’s departure. There will be other visits, though, and I’m going to focus on how fun this one was.